Thursday, 20 September 2012

what to be, or what not to be?

That is the question.

I've been asking myself this question for, oh I don't know, the last 10 years.
30 has, literally, just come around the corner, and I still don't have the answer.

When I was in high school, I thought I knew.
I was going to be an accountant - I know, WTF?
I was pretty good at Accounting and Economics (there's a trophy at my old high school that says so) so it kinda made sense.
I was going to Auckland Uni to get my Bachelor of Commerce degree.  I was going to Major in Financial Accounting or Taxation, maybe a double major with Commercial Law.
I would become Nellie Lesa, Chartered Accountant extraordinaire.

Into my third year, accounting and numbers were the last things I wanted to do with the rest of my lifeWhen I did eventually graduate, I still had no idea what I wanted to do with my life.
But I knew this: I didn't want to be an accountant.

I've tried thinking of what my passions are today...and how they could translate into a bill-paying career.

I love music. Let me rephrase that, I love listening to music. I have no musical talent whatsoever. I like to think I can sing. I sound amazing when I sing along to my ipod. In my room.  With the door closed.  And nobody's home.  And then I did what everyone does...I recorded it.  Big mistake.  Dreams of superstardom were shattered.  Sadly, a music career is not in the cards. But there must be something, some way this could be my career...right? I have no idea.

I like sci-fi/fantasy type tv shows/movies/books/THINGS...and I might possibly have a small collection of said THINGS. I even go to conventions. How that can translate into a job that pays actual money? I have no idea. 

I have a ridiculous obsession for rugby league. I run my own and join multiple tipping comps and fantasy leagues. I post on the message boards and forums - yes, I am one of those people - and I even post comments on newspaper articles.  How can this translate into a viable career? I have no idea.

That pretty much sums up my life plan: I have no idea.

There was a time when I thought becoming a librarian was what I wanted, no needed, to be.  They have BOOKS; they have a music collection; and sci-fi books/movies/tv shows/EVERYTHING!  They even have rugby league books/dvds!  Becoming a librarian would solve all my problems.

Did you know you need a degree to become a proper, registered librarian?  Did you know that librarians have to be registered?
I didn't either!

Going back to Uni as a 30 y.o isn't appealing in the slightest.  And what if I got the degree, and discovered this isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life?  I'd have another degree to add to the degree I already have and don't use.
And yet, working in a library, being surrounded by books all day, sounds so appealing *sigh*

I'll admit, I may have romanticised what being a librarian is.  I have friends who are librarians, and I follow the library blogs, twitter feed and facebook page...and the people seem so cool...exactly like the kind of people anyone would want to work with.  You get to hang out and have access to all the books in the library.  You get to work with other people who love books too.  Who wouldn't want to do that for the rest of their working lives?

What I failed to take into account was that this would be my job and there are people who use the library. And that being a librarian isn't (sadly) sitting around reading books all day *sadface*
And that you are in a customer service based role.
I don't like customers. I deal with customers in the job I have now, and I can barely stand talking to them on the phone and replying to their e-mails.  Librarians deal with customers face to face! The horror!
I am not cut out to be a librarian. Woe is me.

So it's back to square one...again.
I'm 30 years old. I have an accounting degree that I have no intention of using. And I still have no idea what to do with my life.

For now, I'm happy to work in a job that, while it doesn't fulfill any of my passions, it pays the bills on the time, and helps me to indulge my passions.
Sure, I'm not earning mega bucks - more like teeny, tiny bucks - but money isn't everything right?

If it was I'd be an accountant.


  1. As a kid I always wanted to do three things: be a librarian, be a teacher, and sing in a band. I did all of those, but I took the scenic route. I took languages in high school; French, German and Japanese. None of which I went on to use. After high school, I took a 3 month secretarial course, and then a 3 month business admin course and never really used any of those things properly. In tertiary, I studied for the Bachelor of Maori Studies and my major was Maori Economic Development. I realised about 3 papers before I was finished that I didn't have the heart to do it as a career. Ended up working as a Maori teacher aide and then, full circle, ended up working in libraries. While I don't enjoy the library studies papers, I'm having the time of my life. But always, in the back of my mind, is the thought that I'm not doing what I really want to do. I'm just not quite sure what it is that that might be :) Something to do with writing, and something to do with music, and something to do with being a fangirl. The perfect career/job for me would be an amalgam of all three. The days when people had to choose just one job to be in for the rest of their working life, are over. In some ways it's incredibly freeing and exciting, and in others so terribly scary. I always enjoy your posts, but this one really resonated. Maybe, for you, that trite saying that 'Happiness is a journey, not a destination,' is more than true.

    1. that actually makes sense...not that you don't normally make sense haha. i'm a lazybones. that's why i'm still working at the same place i was 5 years ago when i knew 5 years ago it wasn't what i wanted. i'm too chicken to quit, and trying to figure out "what next?" seems hard. maybe they'll fire me and it'll force me take control of my can hope lol